We covered Inner Child work, what that means, set the world to rights over our own and others childhoods and a beautiful visualisation designed to bring you to a place of peace; still available is you sign up for the free trial from the last four weeks.
So it felt like a really good time to share this blog of mine and my own experience of the work I do. Really interesting, just connecting into the Mumma Ru energy, really allowed me to feel into this work again. So I am sat here, with tears! Don't worry; it's all good!
These tears feel like grief; for what was lost and what was never meant to be. And is something I actually cover extensively in My Banshee work. So is my Mumma Ru figure another form of the Banshee? Maybe so. And certainly something I will be exploring over the coming weeks.
So you may remember that RuPaul saved my life a few months ago (see the blog about taking self care to the next level here). Well Mama Ru is back on my screen (US Drag Race & Drag Race UK at the same time! What more do I want?!) And back in my Spiritual life!
At the moment I am back to exploring my journey through my opinion on my physical self.
If you follow my Instagram feed you maybe aware that I’ve had hives linked to my hormones for nearly a year now.
I don’t miss the fact that they started as we went into lockdown and only time will tell if I’m processing everyone else’s shit on the physical as I’ve done pretty well empowering my empathic abilities so that my emotions aren’t so shot at they were. Or I’m in complete denial of my own reaction to lockdown (last one I loved much more than this one!).
I’ve also not missed that they’ve come back with a vengeance after dying down previously when we’ve gone back into lockdown.
So I did what I always do. What do I need to heal within myself, even if I’m processing this stuff for everyone else? What is it within me, that’s allowing this to happen? Even if it’s only a slither of healing within myself.
So last Thurs night was my night off Nici and my weekly online group, Real World Spirituality (open to all; full info to join here!). She was doing her fab take on Channeled or Automatic writing as a doorway into our subconscious & Higher Self.
Before bed I realised I needed to join in, on my own, to connect into whatever it was my hives were trying to show me.
I had been looking at it from a Louise Hay (may that wonderful woman rest in peace!) which is about irritations. And I certainly noticed my own scratching and itching was very reactionary. I’ve done a lot of work Spirituality and practically about my current state of reaction (3 autistic people in the house with me and a 2 year old with Speech and gross motor skills delay I know add to my stress levels, and therefore my reactivateness immensely; so I need to give myself some wiggle room). I’ve got a good handle on it over the last few months.
‘pick, pick, pick. What would you have to pick at if you had no hives?’. Was the comeback I wrote down.
Ah! The other perspective I need. And a way to tell that this was not coming from my conscious mind as I did not see this angle.
I’ve dealt with the superficial through the irritation angle, but the true cause is linked into my attention to detail. I have a strong inner critique, which enables me to do amazing things. My attention to detail is a true gift in most aspects of my life and has always allowed me to excel. But it means more work, leaving me exhausted in other areas of my life & also the inner bitch manifestation isn’t too pleasant to ones self at times!! This aspect can also block time wise and abundance wise. The standards that I hold myself to are not the standards others hold me to. Bringing balance has come from using my ability when I need to, and diving into my ‘feck it, it’s grand’ Irish ancestral ability to say ‘fuck it, it’ll do’ when I need to.
But she’s still there. She’s still there from my teenage years overthinking and crying at my acne ridden image in the mirror. Hating herself and thinking no boy will ever love her. Having her ‘best friend’ ridicule her at regular intervals; using the one thing that damaged me the most to cause the most injury for control of the friendship.
And she’s there. Unaware and without understanding as a child and a toddler.
And she comes from a line of attention to detailers and practical lovers.
The attention to detail from my own mother, often feeling like criticism, was balanced with a very practical love which functioned. It was a love that not only made allowed you to survive, but to do well in life. A need for the children not to just sit in the poverty of the older generations, but a need to move away from it. And that didn’t come from fluff. We not only were fed and clothed, we were educated and we did well; in a very traditional sense.
Coming from other generations where love again was not fluffy; it came from previous generations where only the strong survived a famine which killed off a quarter of the population of Ireland and forced another quarter to take their need to not just survive but to thrive to other lands. Where you didn’t have time to mourn and to be too soft, didn’t serve you.
Where my acne and stretch marks that weren’t as bad as the ones from pregnancy, were dealt with practically. Trips to the pharmacist; difficult conversations with the doctor. Pushing through my embarrassment to fix the situation.
And I come from generations of fixers; the way to abundance being through MAKING a situation work. Being trapped in circumstances; society, class or marriage and making the most of it.
These are all very masculine qualities; it’s all about the outward action ladies!
But what wasn’t served, was the inward reflection. Inwards reflection actually being my go to.
Even as a teenager my femininity was self taught; make up, shaving my legs, dressing up and boys! Catholic upbringing generationally suppressing all of this as sexual, rather than part of the normal self exploration of personal identity through the physical that a teenager does. And sexuality being a deadly sin boys and girls!
I was never taught to use my strengths of feminine reflection and outward beauty. Instead I was trained in skills which weren’t natural to me. My natural strengths I have only stepped into over the last few years. I was only saying to a friend this morning that in my work I fought against my feminine attributes; both inward and outwards. In the financial industry I didn’t want to be known as the girl who did well because of how she looked. I wanted to do the jobs better than the boys and also be one of them. Yes, I looked pretty doing it, but there was no way I was allowing my femaleness to undermine my work. My male side was not only strong, but was comforting and gave me a shield. And actually have given me a greater toolbox to dip into as an adult; I am all the much better off for it when I look at it from the perspective of my whole self.
The largest part of the feminine attributes which I failed to step into as a child was emotion and nurture. Both of which I started to reown in my late teens and beyond. The normal misbalanced Mother energy of nurturing everyone bar herself, being even further out of whack in me. I stepped into the Motherly nurture through friendships and relationships; many of which were toxic. But put off the self nurture until I needed to in order to survive; amazing what the need to not just live but to flourish will push you to do!
All of this is what I know; but it is not what I feel at the moment. My inner child still needs healing around the need for nurture, emotion and fluffy love which would have fed into my natural attributes.
In order to feel what I know, in order to bring this mental and spiritual knowledge into the physical realm (which is where my current conditions is being held), I need to process this emotionally.
As I sat there with my channeled writing, I asked for the help I needed in order to heal this. I closed my eyes and waited.
What I saw was myself as a child. I looked at this lost small child and saw my own children; all three of them within me. She needed help and always it has been me, who I have called forward to help myself. But instead, who stepped forward was Mama Ru in all her glory. She picked the child up and sat her on a wall. When I stepped forward to help, I was firmly told ‘no, this is not for you to fix’.
As I watched my inner child walk away with Ru, I felt a tug at the bottom of my heart from which tears burst out of my eyes. When I cry during healing work it is generally softly flowing and quiet, but this was a real tug. I felt like I had lost a part of me. A part of me which I know will be returned to me happier than ever, but a loss I must mourn in the meantime non the less. (thank god for the inherent Banshee within me!).
Sat there, I knew I was going to be well cared for; in Girl Ru (as the kids and I call the female illusion aspect of RuPaul Charles) I had someone that would take my masculine side, and make not just an attempt at being a girl, which is where I feel I am now, but to show me how to nurture myself from the grass roots up. That it is not just okay, but perfect to extend this basic self care to so that I may worship myself wholly, and that includes my physical appearance. That sexuality is part of my make up as a woman; I am designed to be attractive and I need to embrace that, to feel it, not just acknowledge that truth. (please read my previous blog on make-up here) And this isn’t something that I have HAD to learn as I aged, but in fact something that has always been with me, and so comes easy. And that comes from learning to do that as child. This was the work I do with clients every week, but being given to me, for my self healing, in a very different way.
And so my Inner Child aspect sits with Ru now, laughing at what needs to be laughed at, being indulged as I being emotional and reflective when needed to, but also balancing that with the skills and strengths that my masculine, practical, side has. Make-up lessons, hair dos and dressing up!
So for now I am in reset mode; which makes sense with so much of what is going on in my life (and in the lives of many others!). I will let you know what the rebooted version of me looks like!
Till next time friends!
Love as always